New Apollo Surprises One |
Apollo Roster Crumbles |
College is for Learning |
| Volume 1 | Issue 6 |
Maybe more if residents return |
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By William M. Cowen Jr |
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SSAPOLLO, Space -- In light of the recent discovery that Space Station Apollo was dying due to lack of the Admiral's time, and lack of interest from the crew, Apollo has decided to freshen up it's look, and freshen up it's content. |
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"It's amazing," said Carl Christianson, one of the founders of the now defunct 'CARL Show'. "I can't believe it! Where is my show? I need a drink!" "I like it," said Steve Oliver, a one time contributor to the Times. "It's cleaner, easier to navigate." Olive made several points about the new image mapping and the use of pop-up windows amidst a flurry of symthetic synthesized drum beats from his throat. Unfortunately, many have missed the recent updates to the old and battered Apollo. Since the last December update, the station remained stagnant for over three months, and in that time many of the old viewers moved away to newer, shinier stations. |
 "...Where is my show!? I need a drink..." --CARL |
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"You updated your site?" said Julie Blundon, the recently insane, former mental ward director. "Oh, that's nice. Maybe I'll go see it later." She proceeded to stumble off through the now vacant hallways, a shadow of her former image. Frightening new visitors with a savage display of violence and obscenity, Eric Champion still lurks the halls, blind from handling his manhood. "I have a big penis!" he said, sobbing. "I have a big penis and I can't see it." Champion, once known for his BMW and his brazen defence of his genitalia, was a proud member of the old Apollo. Unfortunately he has never seen, and may never see the new station. "The doctors are trying to fix my eyes." said Champion, smiling at the thought. "They say I will see again, maybe." Many of the old Station's patrons could not be reached for comment, but the Admiral remained undaunted. "They will return," the Admiral said. "They will hear of our accomplishments and they will return, I have no doubt."
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A commentary by the Admiral, William Cowen I'm rather certain all of you out there in wonderland are sick and tired of hearing about poor little Elian Gonzalez. I must say that I too am sick and tired of hearing about poor Elian. Why, I ask you, must we be forced to hear the domestic dispute of a small child dragged across the ocean by his deranged mother? | |
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It's because we are faced with what may one day be our downfall--fanatics. You know the type: the ragged looking individuals with wild eyes and screechy nasal voices who haven't bathed in a week and who are dead certain they see the face of Elvis in their pea soup. It's not bad enough that we have one such person staring at that bowl of soup and seeing their own personal god (Elvis, or Jesus, or Elian), but that they somehow attract many people to their bowl of pea soup. Now we have not only one fanatic with his bowl of soup, but dozens of fanatics who give up their jobs and their families and their lives to stare wild-eyed at this cold, decomposing, rancid bowl of pea soup. And this, my dear friends, is what is happening with Elian. Now I must say first that I do feel a bit badly for Elian, for all that he as gone through and for all that he will continue to go through at the young age of six. And also let me make clear that I do not harbor a grudge againt Cubans, Cuban-Americans, or any other minority present in the United States now or in the future. However, this fanaticism that surrounds Elian is not only baffling, but disturbing. If have never been a religious man myself, and I do not know what it is to be so awed by a single person as to pledge my soul to him or her. It confuses me to see grown men and women prostrating themselves to icons of their own personal god. But I have grown to accept that this is what people do, and perhaps they find it odd that I do not have a god that I prostrate myself to. But I think many, god fearing or not, would find that people who otherwise have lives to attend to throwing themselves at the feet of a six year old who just happened to be floating in the ocean just a little bit odd. This kind of behavior is simply WRONG. What are these individuals thinking? What good will come of neglecting their own personal advancement and security to grovel at the little feet of a boy? How can people DO this to themselves? And why, you may ask, do I think this will bring the downfall of our country? Because, you have seen, the most powerful government in the world, the US Government, has fallen to it's knees to tend to this trifling domestic dispute. Even our government is dropping more important issues to tend to a six-year-old. |
!!NEWSFLASH!!Roster Decimated! William Cowen The latest news from Apollo is that the entire crew has completely disintegrated. This shocking development has come right on the heels of the latest and greatest update to the Station--the largest ever seen second only to the format change in March. One disappointing loss was that of Patrick Jonynas. "Admiral, now I am going out because some girl wants me to," said Jonynas at the latest Staff conference. "So I can't do any work." It has been these "girls" with no name that have plagued many of the male staff here at the Station. Fearing contagion, Admiral Cowen has decided not to post the Crew listings on the website until further notice. "These kinds of losses are unacceptable," said Cowen. "We can't keep losing staffers to these nameless wonders." Cowen himself said that there is nothing intrinsicly wrong with girls, and in fact "many of them are rather pleasant to be around." However, Cowen said, until which time as he himself is incapacitated by these "girls", he feels that no other male staffer should fall victim to these distracting debutantes. "Why they decide to neglect their duties is beyond me," said Cowen. "I only hope that some of our staff has a proper sense of duty." The single official left at the Station reported that 99% of the crew is AWOL, and at least 40% of that total is lost because of girls. "We don't like these numbers," the offical reported. "But there is very little we can do about it." "I don't know why the good Admiral is mad," said Matthew Morrison, a columnist for the Times. "I bet if we got him a girlfriend he'd loosen up a bit." The Admiral refrained from comment. |
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Feature: College is about LearningIt's great to have a roommate. You know, someone to confide in, chat with into the dark hours of the night, borrow clothes from, and to hang around with constantly. Sure, if you live in a television world where everything is perfect. I'd like to tell you a little about my roommate and what I have learned from her. Keila is also a freshman here at Simmons in Boston. She's Hispanic, very into dancing, and not so into academics. I mean, she passes her courses, but that's another story entirely. She also has no common sense. And I mean NO common sense. The first thing that I have learned from Keila is the proper way to write a college paper. I have always thought that if I have a paper due on Wednesday, I should start at least thinking about it and coming up with some ideas for a topic by Monday at the absolute latest. I would hazard a guess that most of you would assume that as well. Not Keila. A paper due on Wednesday means that we complain and moan about the "pressure" and "stress" that we are under until Tuesday night, when we are begging friends for the loan of a computer, talking on the phone and online, and watching TV. Come Wednesday, a topic has been reached and the initial writing has been begun. The class should be skipped, and the paper should be completed by Friday at the latest. Thursday night, one should stay up until five in the morning to finish the paper, and then a substantial nap should be taken for the rest of the afternoon. At this point, more moaning should be done all weekend about how much pressure has been put upon us and how exhausted we are. The second thing that I have learned from Keila is a health concern. One afternoon, I returned from a long day of classes. It was around 3 in the afternoon, and Keila was in bed, lights out, and door locked. I was pretty pissed, as I had homework to finish. As I sat down at my desk, she sits upright and bed and says (and I kid you not), "Does it smell like vomit in here to you?" I assume that something has happened next door, and the odor has drifted into our room. But I smell nothing, and assure her of that fact. "Oh good," she says. "I just threw up ALL OVER myself twice. And I drank some of your juice." Okay, I can deal with that. She was ill, and that's worth some sympathy. Until I learned that after the first upheaval (which happened outside), she proceeded to come in the room and drink my cranberry juice because she didn't feel like going for water. I have now learned that acidic beverages do in fact cause upset stomachs to feel worse. I have learned one more valuable piece of information from Keila that I think would benefit all of you. But first, the story. During the winter, Keila would always insist that the heat be on high at all hours of the day and night, regardless of whether or not she was in the room. When it was 40 below outside, I could understand this a little. It was nice to come into a warm room from the frigid walk between campuses. As time went on, however, I began to charge for admission to my room. I felt that if I was running a sauna in here, someone should benefit. I asked if we could possibly turn the heat to low, or even off during the night, as I tended to warm up while under my comforter. I assumed that this was a normal function of a human being. Little did I know that you are not supposed to sleep under your comforter. According to Keila, you don't have to wash the sheets if you don't sleep on them. So sleeping under one fleece throw during the dead of winter is perfectly acceptable. As long as the heat is on high constantly and smelling up the room, you should be fine. Also, the excessive heat allows you to wear shorts and a tee-shirt while in the room, accompanied by nothing on your feet. Walking on the linoleum is then quite pleasant. I have since learned that this is not something for winter only. Apparently, keeping the heat on high throughout the spring is also acceptable. I could go on forever about the trials and tribulations faced with my roommate. But it all boils down to yes, having a roommate is great. Sometimes you luck out and get the one person you know you were meant to be best friends with. Other times, you luck out and get the one person who is so moronic and lacks the important feature of common sense enough to keep you laughing all year long. Julie Blundon |
Editor:
Columnists: Carl Christianson Matt Morrison
Staff Writers: |
Please send your writing, photos, drawings--anything at all--to the Apollo Times so that we can print it. The only limits are that you must have made a sincere effort to produce an article. We will not accept lists of profanity, or pornography. Send all submissions to the Editor, William Cowen.